The Neutral Coach will usually meet individually with each spouse first to build rapport and gather information about:
-Why s/he selected the collaborative process.
-Relationship history, noting significant events in the relationship and family (trying not to schedule meetings on significant dates).
-Level of physical, mental and emotional functioning.
-Assess for any type of abuse in the relationship, mental illness, substance abuse, and stage in the grief process.
-Identify imbalances in power in the relationship.
-The individual’s capacity for empathy towards their spouse.
-How s/he perceives his/her role as a parent, as applicable.
-Concerns, frustrations, fears, anticipated roadblocks.
-How the process has gone thus far.
-Anticipated/desired timeline for divorce process; assessing for readiness, pace.
THE FIRST JOINT MEETING:
This meeting may take place the same day as the individual meetings, as the spouses are available, or independent of the individual meetings. During this meeting the Neutral Coach focuses on:
-Normalizing the difficulty of the divorce process and related feelings.
-Explaining the boundaries of Neutral Coaching (not therapy) and how/when information will be communicated to the Team (transparency; limits of confidentiality). It is emphasized that information relative to the collaborative "process" and/or "outcomes" will be the focus of Team communications, not details of their lives shared in 3-ways. Note: I invite feedback on summaries generated. Revisions are then redistributed to the Team.
-Setting standards for respectful communication, encouraging the couple to put their "best self" forward to give their kids (as appropriate) a positive outcome and role model.
-Identifying marital dynamics. Example: One spouse presents as anxious and overbearing bringing out rage in the other spouse; One spouse responds with sarcasm leading the other spouse to retreat into quietness.
-Communicating understanding of their dual interests without bias.
-Reminding the couple that the Coach is on the side of transitioning the family, not on one side or the other.
-Reminding them that they are creating new/revised family traditions for the future. A common question: "What story would you like your children to tell about how you handled your divorce?"
-Reviewing and obtaining signatures on the Standard Agreement to Retain Coach (previously given to each for review and comment).
-Reviewing, completing and signing the Authorization to Communicate with Other Professionals Retained in Client’s Collaborative Case. Note: Future participants added to their Team are recorded, initialed and dated on this form, as appropriate (e.g., Financial Neutral).
It is noted that they will both be notified of dates/times of individual consultations with the other spouse, not necessarily the content.
-Distribution of the Goals and Interests Worksheet and, if time permits, their completion and sharing with one another. They can add to the list as needed, as it will become the basis for discussing and defining what their post-divorce lives will look and live like.
-Offering information and resources as appropriate.
-Determining the next contact date and time.
-Determining if the couple desire the Neutral Coach to meet with their children.
-A summary of 3-way is provided to clients and identified Team members, including goals and interests determined.
FUTURE 3-WAY MEETINGS
Goals and Interests are utilized as core content for discussions.
-The Neutral Coach will introduce communication skills and strategies as needed and appropriate to facilitating effective discussions, and managing emotions (e.g., problem-solving method, active listening, I-messages, reflection, etc.)
-The Neutral Coach may make verbal observations of communication dynamics that could possibly derail the process and encourage a more productive pattern of communication. (e.g., "Would you be willing to let me offer a little coaching here?").
-The spouses may also wish to utilize 3-ways to work on specifics of their parenting plan, property discussions, etc.
-Decisions, questions, homework are recorded and shared with clients and Team through the summary provided
.
5- AND 6-WAY MEETINGS
The Neutral Coach's role is to:
-Arrange member seating with sensitivity to relationships, roles and functions. Example: Neutral Coach may sit at one head of table with a Financial Neutral at other end, each side consisting of a client seated next to his/her attorney.-Start the meeting with introductions, as needed, then shifting to ‘administrative neutrality’.
-Appreciate that the couple has chosen to participate in a process that can lead to better relationships between themselves and their family, while pursuing their independent and family goals for the future.
-Review the agenda for the meeting, as previously worked out with the attorneys and/or determined at a prior meeting.
-Review/Sign any remaining Agreements between participants.
-Introduce/update participants regarding the latest Goals & Interests recorded, often recorded on a flip chart and placed for all to work with and refer to.
-Check to see if homework assignments were completed.
-May inquire as to, "Is anything taking priority for anyone here?"
-Ask facilitative questions to keep the meeting focused and productive.
-Ask for breaks as needed.
-Assist Team members in "speaking it" versus acting it out (e.g., shutting down, leaving room, etc.)
-Engage the individual in the meeting most appropriate to answer or address the question at hand (Client, Attorneys, Financial Neutral).
-Note any changes, additions, questions, need for further information on displayed sheets.
-Call the meeting to a close with a review of determinations made relative to the Goals and Interests.
-Assign homework to Team members as determined in the meeting.
-Develop an agenda for the next meeting based on participant input and priorities.
-Review date/time for next meeting(s).
-Debrief the meeting with the other professionals present, as appropriate.
-Distribute a summary to all.
ADDITIONAL NOTES:
Collaborative practice offers a Win-Win approach to divorce, as opposed to the Winner-Loser feelings frequently engendered by traditional litigation.
It is important to remember that emotions provide the filter through which we speak and hear. The couple divorcing will feel a wide range of feelings during the process, and not necessarily the same ones at the same time as their spouse. This is normal, and can be successfully addressed in the collaborative arena, while maintaining sites on transitioning toward the future.
For more information on Collaborative Divorce go to www.collaborativedivorcekansascity.net.
